April 2011
1 post
fmylife:
Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn’t, when he has actually never given me one. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. FML
Sounds like you’ve got a good marriage of trust and honesty. Good luck with that
February 2011
2 posts
But I thought rules were made to be broken...
fmylife:
Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML
fmylife:
Today, my 6 year-old cousin went missing while I was watching her. I called the police and they said they got a call about a child walking around Walmart with a shopping cart full of toys. I went down to Walmart and found out that it was her. The police officer gave me a $500 fine. FML
“while I was watching her“… You keep using that word… I do not think it...
December 2010
7 posts
I don't have to pay for parking as long as I'm...
fmylife:
Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn’t have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML
fmylife:
Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too… I was eating a steak. FML
Lying about yourself to get in someone’s pants: always a good idea.
fmylife:
Today, I found out that my husbands secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it’s funny. My husband says it’s a coincidence. FML
Um, it is a coincidence. Lots of people have the same names as others.
<cough>paranoidpsycho<cough>
But I don't need to keep my eyes on the road if...
fmylife:
Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML
fmylife:
Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML
Here’s an idea! GET A HOBBY
fmylife:
Today, I received an envelope from my boss. I opened the flap to peek inside and the paper was pink. Freaking out, I then told my entire branch what I really think of them. The pink slip turned out to be a party invite. Guess who’s no longer invited, or employed. FML
Because not reading things and telling people off are always both great ideas.
Anonymous asked: Your comments on FML posts make my anger issues look petty. Chill the fuck out!
November 2010
2 posts
fmylife:
Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML
OK, so either you live with your wife, in which case it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want you out late, or you live with your parents, in which case you need to man up and move out.
My Biggest Regret Ever: Having a One Night Stand
mybiggestregretever:
My biggest regret ever is having a one night stand (who’s name I didn’t even know) utter the famous last words “Cum inside of me”. I know her name now as I have to write it on a check every month for child support. Conversely, my biggest joy ever is my wonderful son Ms. Cum Inside of Me gave to me.
[Male, 28]
News Flash: SEX MAKES BABIES
October 2010
5 posts
fmylife:
Today, I started a new job. I lost my work keys and had everyone running all over the building looking for them. We found them, hanging in the last lock I had used. They now all think I’m a nut. FML
Sorry, you are a nut.
“In one recent case, a 12-year-old boy developed a sponge-patterned skin...”
– ‘Toasted Skin Syndrome’ Warning For Laptop Users « CBS New York
hilker:
this is also known as “being an idiot.”
fmylife:
Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML
No comment necessary
fmylife:
Today, I passed out at a party after having a few too many, as one does. I woke up with swastikas and penises drawn on my face with permanent marker. I now have to go home, using public transport, to my prudish, Jewish dad who thought I was at my friend’s house for a sleepover with no alcohol. FML
“As one does”?? No, only ones who want to get penises drawn on their face...
fmylife:
Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He proceeded to gush on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML
You had to know about this inevitability going in.
September 2010
7 posts
Why do you even have that song on your ipod to...
fmylife:
Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn’t change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML
fmylife:
Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn’t know what formatting does, so he did it. I’m a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML
Yeah, professional and/or smart photographers keep backups
fmylife:
Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey’s stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML
Have you even seen photos of them??
fmylife:
Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML
Honestly, why are people surprised after they do stupid things while drunk?
fmylife:
Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend’s mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We’ve been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML
Your girlfriend needs to wake up and be with a man who will stand up and do anything for her.
fmylife:
Today, I clogged my own toilet which caused all the other toilets and sinks to clog as well. So, now, I’m taking a dump in a plastic bag and my girlfriend is taking pictures of me and forwarding them to all her friends. FML
Um…
It’s called a “plunger”. Available at all your local hardwear or department stores.
fmylife:
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Hey, at least you got breakfast out of the deal.
July 2010
11 posts
fmylife:
Today, I walked into my bathroom to put my retainers in, only to find about 10 tiny insects crawling on both my upper and bottom retainer. Apparently the ‘ventilation’ holes in the cases are big enough to allow fruit flies access to the inside. FML
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CLEAN YOUR RETAINER EVERY DAY
At least rinse it off throughly. Gross
fmylife:
Today, I have searing burns in my armpits. Apparently, while I was drunk last night, I tried lighting my deodorant with a match. The $10 bucks I made hasn’t helped the swelling at all. FML
Alcohol is responsible for so much of the content on IFDML.tumblr
Well, 'dead baby' jokes are USUALLY hilarious
fmylife:
Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted “What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!” I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML
fmylife:
Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML
Which is why you don’t have a boyfriend. Men are attracted to independent women who are comfortable being single (or at least act like it)
fmylife:
Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn’t bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML
No further commentary necessary.
Buying liquor for a minor, what could go wrong?
fmylife:
Today, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. Why? Because he finally turned 21 and can now buy his own liquor. FML
fmylife:
Today, I got a tattoo based on the Harry Potter books. My dad’s response was “I now fully understand why you’re still single.” FML
And now, so does the rest of the internet.
Learning to read is for chumps
fmylife:
Today, I was washing my work uniform; black chef pants and a black chef coat. In my rush to take care of my morning chores, I poured bleach into the washer instead of detergent. FML
fmylife:
Today, I saw an old man doing something to my car, so I started cussing at him, telling him that I’ll kill him. When I came closer, I realized it was my fiancé’s father trying to leave me a little present by the car for being nice to them. FML
This was serendipitous for your fiancé. Hopefully his father will tell him about this and he will realize that he was about to marry a psycho
Sharp implements near my head? Meh, business as...
fmylife:
Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, instead of nodding your head. FML
fmylife:
Today, I tried to explain to my boyfriend that waffles and pancakes are basically the same thing, just different shapes. I’m now single. FML
He dodged a bullet. They are NOT the same thing
June 2010
6 posts
fmylife:
Today, I went into the store where my boyfriend works. I saw him talking to a customer, his back was facing me, so I went up and smacked his butt. Turns out it wasn’t him. FML
Even if it was him… While he’s talking to a customer? Low class
Thrown shoes can damage things other than...
fmylife:
Today, I saw a spider on my wall. I threw a shoe at it. I now have a dent on my wall and a bruise on my face where the shoe bounced off and hit me. FML
Maybe it's better that I keep my genes to myself
fmylife:
Today, I turned down a very attractive woman because I had a raid scheduled in World of Warcraft. FML
fmylife:
Today, my daughter unplugged the refrigerator to charge her cell phone. There was a lot of expensive catered food in there for a party at my office for tomorrow. It’s all spoiled. I guess I’ll be ordering pizza then. FML
Your daughter is old enough for a mobile phone but not old enough to know (or care) that food spoils if the refrigerator is not kept plugged in?? This speaks more to...
It's very odd; angry cursing has always worked out...
fmylife:
Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter, and then he drove off crying without his food. FML
May 2010
15 posts
Wait, there's such thing as 'sun block' and...
fmylife:
Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don’t scratch it, it itches terribly. FML
The likelihood of sleep-deprivation makes pulling...
fmylife:
Today, I was up all night studying for my final exam. After working 6 hours straight, I fell asleep in the shower and missed the exam. FML
I shouldn't leave my 6-year old unsupervised in a...
fmylife:
Today, my son and I were at my new boyfriend’s place. He has a gigantic salt water fish tank with thousands of dollars of fish and corals in it. My son, who is 6, thought it smelled bad and decided to pour a gallon of bleach in it. I now owe him the cost of the fish and coral, and he dumped me for it. FML
Dude, if you're going to persist in having no...
fmylife:
Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpel tunnel syndrome. Not because I’m a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML
I could have tested it with something that wasn't...
fmylife:
Today, I found out that no, an automatic car window will NOT stop if you try to block it with your finger. FML
fmylife:
Today, it’s my school’s prom. Not only am I the only one in my whole class not going, but I instead have to serve them at after prom as my punishment for cheating on my math test. FML
Yeah, no commentary necessary. You definitely effed up your own life.
fmylife:
Today, I woke up to find the house trashed from a party last night. My boyfriend had assured me the day before that he would wake up early and take care of the mess, since he was hosting the party. My mom’s turning up in 20 min. and he’s still asleep. Guess it’s time to find the mop. FML
Um… And you don’t think you should have been cleaning instead of taking time to submit...
Sheltering my child isn't enough?? I actually have...
fmylife:
Today, my daughter said it’s my fault she’s a drug addict and dealer because I sheltered her too much. I guess those thousands I spent every year for her private school would have gone to better use had I taken the vacations that I never took so that I could shelter her from bad influences. FML
I SHOULDN'T have sex with delusional idiots??
fmylife:
Today, I lost my virginity to a guy who believes he is a Sith. FML